Well I get on the train at 5:37 today. Excited like you wouldn’t believe. I have gotten good-luck’s from all sorts of people – everyone at wushu and at kelly’s office. Not to mention all my family that is rooting for me.

I really hope I can write up everything that goes on there and actually give some honest insight into the process. It seems that everyone that I know that has auditioned is very secretive about telling others what went on there. I think the point is to prevent anyone from having an advantage they didn’t have. Which is reasonable.

It is along those same lines I am pretty frustrated. Cirque gave a blanket invite to this audition to the students at Omei. So we now have 3 other people that are going to the audition that would not have gone if they had to put any real effort into the process. One of those people even has not intention of going even if they get an offer – something about becoming a doctor instead. I know it is very selfish of me, but I did but amazing amounts of effort into getting headshots taken, shooting and editing a demo video and polishing up my resume. And now these people can just stroll in and their chances are just as good as mine. I don’t want to take it away, and I even encouraged them to go, but on the inside I was screaming “don’t go! It’ll hurt my chances!!!!” and I was hoping that they wouldn’t.

I guess it is somewhat understandable, I have always wanted to do something like this, long before I started martial arts or even attempted any sort of acrobatics. I don’t wanna be selfish and unfairly hurt other people’s chance to go, but I feel like it has been unfair to me. I mean I did do all that work and clearly have more desire for this – but some people sorta waffled over even bothering to go. It just boils down to the fact that I want this so bad and I am willing to completely dump my life that I have worked so hard to build for this chance. It seems that everyone that just decided to go (who wouldn’t have put the effort into a demo vid, etc) are not willing to sacrifice these sort of things – or course I can’ only say that because most of them either A) Don’t have a career, wife, etc or B) don’t even intend on accepting an offer. I know I am being unfair in these thoughts — but by thoughts keep drifting back to how it is unfair to me.

When it comes down to it, if God wants me to go I will get in. If I don’t’ get in, I will train hard and push for next time – but that seems like a pipe dream or a pitiful excuse. In all reality there will probably not be a next time and I need to set my sights on something like the US team (which probably won’t happen this year – so in 2 years. And I am getting on the upper age limit for that sort of thing already) I think someone need to haul off and punch me in the belly and tell me to quit my wining. And I will quit. Now. Awwww man. Er, I mean – NOW!

I really like my current programming job, and I would be very happy doing it for quite a while and concentrating on developing my self into a coach. And the goal for the US team is really directly related to that, I want that credential on my resume. I feel like that sort of status will alow me to supercede my biggest crippling factor for being a wushu coach – being a white male. Being able to speak Chinese will also help with this, but that doesn’t go as far as having Cirque or the US team down on your school’s brochure.

And honestly, what I really want is to have a school and be a really good coach. I want to be that coach I wanted to find when I was growing up. I do not want to get involved in wushu political bickering. That last one may prove impossible. Political bickering in the wushu world is prolly harder to eliminate than the mosquito problem in Alaska.