“It’s not that lack skills or are not good at what you do, but we don’t see you in our new creation” Or something like that. I couldn’t really hear exactly what he was saying because in my head I was screaming “no,no, No, NO, NO…NONONO!” I had been screaming that in my head once they called my name out during our break. Damn, that sucked — I knew exactly what was coming once they asked “Christopher?” — I wanted to say “No, that’s Chris” but I accepted my fate and mumbled “yeah”

Walking across the floor to the reject circle sucked something hairy. Not much fun. The worst thing was when the recruiter cam over and pointed out one of the guys and said “not him, he must stay.” I felt worthless.

It’s not that I didn’t have the skills. I honestly, deep down feel like I could have lasted. At least past the point that I did. I was simply not being aggressive enough. Much too timid during warm ups. I had some one tell me to not do anything stupid and get hurt right at the beginning — just as I was prepping to get ready to practice a little tumbling. I was nervous about trying so I listened. I figured I would save that for later. Don’t ever save it till later, there might not be a later. That person who told me to play it safe also got cut. Not that it matters in anyway — what matters is I need to smack my timid little ass into gear and go all out. Own that biznitch. The Chinese people there totally ran the show. They didn’t listen to the recruiter — they did what ever they could when they thought they should. The rest of us held back so much compared to them. And I held back compared to everyone.

I am not gonna play that what if game. I am not gonna grovel in my own filth — no matter how much I REALLY WANNA. I was being a wuss. I had the stuff I needed and I didn’t throw down. I got discouraged because when I showed up there were a lot of really good people there. It was just like when I am playing Go, unless I am totally dominating the game I feel as if I am loosing. Well I felt that same way. I got discouraged and didn’t fight for it.

Of course it wasn’t that I didn’t try at all (just not hard enough) — it could be that I lack the talent. But I am gonna pretend that is not the case and train my ass off.

I have not been able to validate my talent/skills in any arena that I would consider a true test. This was one of those arenas — but I failed to validate myself here. I want to get out there and prove to my self that I can hang with the guy. My next chance will be at US Team Trials … serious training begins for that today. However I don’t know if I am gonna be ready in 3 months or it I am really going for the on in 2 years. Being 25 now, doesn’t bode well for the one in 2 years, but I am going to do what I can and see if I am just fooling my self or if I can measure up.

It just sucks to think about last Friday. Lets try to not remind me. Please.